Why No-Strings Attached Sex Can Damage Your Self-Esteem

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According to a study, no-strings attached sex was linked to lower self-esteem, negative wellbeing, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

Let’s be honest … do you have a pattern of sleeping with a man on date 1, 2 or 3 and then you regret it because he stops texting or calling you?

Does your promiscuity evoke feelings of embarrassment, guilt and remorse?

Do you feel devalued and dishearten after you sleep with a guy you barely know—and you worry about contracting STDs?

You went out with a new man. In fact, he’s the most fascinating man you’ve met in a long time. You know nothing about him—but you hop into bed with him. You didn’t intend to sleep with him but the smoking-hot chemistry drugged you.

You invited him into your home for a nightcap, maybe you drank too much, and before you know it, you succumbed to your inebriated animal instincts. The next morning you cringe at your permissive, unladylike behavior.

You worry: Did you do the wrong thing? Will you ever hear from him again? And if he does ask you out again, is he interested in you or is he thinking he can have sex with because he knows you’re “push-over.” 

You try to salvage his opinion of you. You call him and you tell him this is not your normal behavior (don’t think for a minute that he buys this)—and then you never hear from him again.  

Holding out (for a reasonable length of time) makes a man want you more.

Men are innately competitive. They love a challenge and they love the chase (that intoxicating time BEFORE sexual involvement). The chase intrigues, excites and motivates a man to pursue you. Men want what they think they can't have. Some men want to sleep with you to gratify their masculinity (ego); a man who pressures you for sex has had many conquests and if you sleep with him, you will be his newest coup. The “chase” is when a man subconsciously forms his initial emotional attachment for you. But if you cave in for sex too soon, he may lose his original interest in you and his motivation for the chase.

Holding out makes you look like “relationship material.”

Men will tell you, there is something about a woman who makes a man wait. In the beginning a man wants to get you between the sheets. They can’t help it; they are genetically wired to reproduce. A new guy will try to persuade you to sleep with him, but secretly, he is hoping that you will resist his seduction, because if you don’t, in his eyes, your allure and attractiveness diminishes. If you make him wait for intimacy with you, and he truly likes you, his focus will shift from wanting to score with you, to wanting to win your heart—that’s when a man begins to fall in love and he will work passionately to secure you for his very own.

Casual sex creates feelings of self-doubt and regret.                                                                                                  

Yes, we are modern, empowered women— and we don’t prescribe to sexual “double standards” (a woman who sleeps around is a sleazy slut, but a man is red-blooded stud); nevertheless, most of the women I know are profoundly affected when they give themselves sexually to a man. You give your body to a man, but it’s really your soul that you are sharing.

You want to experience love, acceptance and intimacy with man.

The chase (a man’s amorous pursuit BEFORE sexual involvement) is your golden opportunity to feel wanted, desired and valued by a man. You want to believe that your new man will remain committed to your relationship—after you have sex with him. The best time to develop trust for a man—and know that he is on the same relationship page—is PRIOR to sexual involvement. If you succumb to man’s seduction (before he has developed feelings for you) he may pull away because he’s afraid that you are expecting his commitment—and when your fragile relationship disintegrates, you feel deceived, devalued and resentful.

Holding out helps you protect you from heartbreak.

When you sleep with a man, there is a relationship power shift. Before you sleep with him, you are (whether you know it or not) in control of the relationship and he will work hard to win your favor. You are in the catbird seat. Your new man takes you to dinner, sends you flowers, texts and calls you frequently and surprises you with gifts. After you sleep with him, the power shifts to him. Suddenly you want him and you need him and your relationship expectations kick in.

If you sleep with on him the first date, you worry: Are you supposed to sleep with him on the second date? You’re afraid if you do, he will definitely think you are a “loose” woman. If you don’t, your worry that he may think you are a tease or you’re not into to him. If he’s not emotionally invested to you, the odds are, his pursuit will fade—or cease.

Which brings us to the underlying problem …

When you repeatedly sleep with a man, before he is emotionally invested, THE MAN IS NOT THE PROBLEM, regardless of his shortcomings. The problem lies within your low esteem issues and your unwillingness to hold out for a man who will love, respect and commit to you.

Do you fall in love quickly, easily with a man, sleep with him and then he loses interest in you? Discover your value as a woman in Nancy Nichols’s God, Please Fix Me! Trilogy.

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