Stop punishing yourself for leaving a toxic relationship!
You did everything you could to avoid a breakup but he was withdrawn, uncommunicative, unfaithful and abusive.
You anguish over what you could have said or done differently that could have saved your relationship but there was nothing that would have changed your partner’s innately withdrawn, uncommunicative, lying, blaming, manipulative, unfaithful and abusive behavior.
Changing your behavior (e.g.: being more tolerant of your partner’s abusive behavior) won’t make him want to work on your relationship problems, in fact, everything he said and did seemed to push you farther and farther away from him. And when you finally left him, you questioned your feelings about his bad behavior, you had a change of heart and you felt guilty for abandoning him.
Girlfriend, there is nothing you can do that will cause a toxic man to be loving, understanding, patient, truthful and faithful.
I anguished over what I could have done differently.
I have never felt like such a failure when my third husband and I split up. I no longer felt special; I felt flawed, broken and unworthy. I felt like a three-time loser; unattractive, unlovable and undesirable and I worried that no man would ever want me.
I was ashamed to tell my friends and family about my third divorce. As a professional, I was demoralized and embarrassed. I felt like my self-help books were no longer destined to make a difference in the world.
I blamed myself and I worked harder to save my marriage.
Trying to be a "better" person in an inherently abusive relationship (e.g.: trying to stay calm when your partner verbally batters you, or denying and stuffing your hurt feelings), uses your inner strength against yourself and changes nothing with a controlling, insensitive, abusive personality. But instead, beat you down even more.
I tried my damnedest to be an understanding, patient, loving partner. I tried to expect less of him and want less from our relationship. I compromised my desires and I stifled my criticisms. I begged him to talk to me, interact with me and touch me, but he was uncomfortable with emotional and physical intimacy and I slept with his cold, rigid back turned to me. I tried to suppress my hurt feelings and outwardly appear happy, when I was really dying in side.
I begged him to go to marriage counseling but he wouldn’t deal with the conflict in our relationship and he wouldn’t take responsibility for his hurtful behavior. His coping mechanism was to shut down to avoid facing the reality of his hurtful actions.
The truth was: there was absolutely nothing I could have said or done that would have made him enjoy my company or have an intimate and physical relationship with me—because he was an emotionally crippled man.
There was nothing I could have done to save our marriage because:
- He didn’t think there was anything wrong with his behavior.
- He didn’t want to change his bad behavior.
- He convinced himself that I was the one with the problem.
- He believed that my behavior caused his bad behavior.
Don’t let a failed relationship affect the outcome of your life.
Don’t let your ex hold you back from what you believe is your divine destiny. Don’t let his malicious criticisms and black negativity rob you of your joy, motivation, creativity, hope and dreams.
Don’t take on the lion’s share of responsibility for a failed relationship. You cannot control the mindset of someone who is emotional detached, innately unfaithful, controlling and abusive and refuses to work on the problems in your relationship.
Don’t prolong the grieving process. You know in your heart he was oh-so wrong for you, but you grieve for him anyway. This is illogical and irrational. Your misplaced feelings of love, loyalty and commitment prevent you from gaining closure.
Don’t let your ex define you. He’s a man full of emotional issues that have formed his insecurities, distorted beliefs, insensitivity, cynicism and anger issues which cause him to put you down so he can build himself up.
Don’t buy into your ex’s blame. Don’t let your emotions control you. Because your relationship you believe you are somehow unlovable or undesirable, versus recognizing the truth—that you were in a toxic relationship.
Don’t let a failed relationship affect your self-worth. Breakups are a part of life. It’s an opportunity to experience significant personal growth. Examine and correct your dysfunctional behavior, but leave your ex to work on his unprincipled, adulterous, narcissistic personality.
You know what to do—now go do it!
Realizing that you're in toxic relationship is the first step to restoring your self-worth. Based on true stories, God, Please Fix Me! Trilogy can help you start the healing process.
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