Mistake No. 3 After a Breakup: Thinking You're Undesirable

You broke up with your boyfriend, or you left your husband, because he cheated on you, or he was neglectful, hyper-critical, blaming and uncommunicative, or he physically or verbally abused you.

You had a decent week without your partner around to repeatedly lie to you, berate you, or constantly tell you that you’re inept, overweight, aging and stupid.  

And you want him back — WHY?

Okay, guys, you broke up with your girlfriend because she was a controlling, self-serving opportunist, or she cheated on you ... and you want her back?!?

Mistake No. 3 After a Breakup … Believing you are unlovable, unwanted or a failure because of a relationship breakup.

Thinking you failed in a hurtful, dysfunctional relationship or marriage will undermine your self-esteem, cause you to withdraw from your friends and family, and create feelings of neediness, dejection and despair within you.

It took years for me to overcome my low self-esteem issues. It took Dr. Dirtbag only eight months to resurrect my self-doubt and insecurity demons.

Like most abusive men, Dr. Dirtbag built himself up by tearing me down. He belittled my abilities. He made snide remarks about my body. He told me contradicting, evasive half-truths to confuse and frustrate me. One night he callously called me a “three time loser” (referring to the number of my divorces). I knew when he said that, he would say and do anything to diminish me.  

Before Liz married Mike she was cheerful, sassy and confident ... a year later she was depressed, uncertain and distrustful.

Liz was a beautiful, alluring 40-year-old woman. She dated Mike a year before she married him. During their courtship Mike was considerate, doting and extremely affectionate. Two weeks after Liz married him she adorned herself with a sexy black nightie and positioned herself at the doorway of his home office.  

“Take that off! You look like a skank!” Mike screamed at her. 

Liz was painfully dumbstruck. It was a side of her husband she had never seen—and an obvious attempt to devalue her as a woman. 

You can never really know a man until you live with him.

The moment Mike married Liz he felt entitled to dominate and disparage her, criticizing everything she said and did. He carped about her cooking and the way she kept house. He criticized the food she selected in a restaurant and the shows she wanted to watch on TV. He bad-mouthed her friends. He especially ridiculed the way she dressed, saying she wore too much make-up and her hair was an ugly color. If she wore a low-cut blouse (at his request) he told her she looked like a slut. When she wore conservative clothing he told her she looked frigid and frumpy. 

Liz knew in her heart that she was an attractive woman, but Mike’s constant put-downs caused her to doubt her self-worth. 

A year later Liz divorced Mike and she began seeing a therapist. She told her therapist she felt stupid, unattractive and undesirable and she thought no man would ever want her. Her therapist helped her to understand that Mike’s demeaning behavior arose from his own low self-loathing and insecurities—to feel good about himself—he tore Liz down. 

Does your ex or current boyfriend or husband make you doubt your abilities, self-worth or attractiveness? Understanding the conniving, controlling tactics of an abusive man will help you to debunk his bullcrap! 

Never Date a Dead Animal:
The Red Flags of Losers, Abusers, Cheaters and Con-Artists
by Nancy Nichols 

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