My emotionally-charged brain always got me into trouble.
My attraction to men was based on looks, feelings and impulse. I thought that was what love was all about; if the chemistry was there and a man seemed to fulfill my basic needs, I thought I was supposed to fall hopelessly in love, commit to an intimate relationship with him, and hopefully get married. It never occurred to me to stifle my codependent issues, put a lid on my passion and consider the facts of a man’s compatibility and overall character in the interest of relationship stability.
Researchers have found that romantic love affects your brain the same way addictive drugs do; it activates the area of the brain that makes you feel good.
Strong romantic feelings can distort our ability to think accurately. Without logic at the core of our reasoning, these instense emotions can cause us to make impulsive and irrational relationships decisions.
Logic is the study of facts, probability and reasoning. Deductive reasoning is using what we know to ascertain that which we don’t know.
- If a man is impolite, quick-tempered and insulting to others, he will demean and disrespect you.
- If a man bad-mouths his ex-wife-girlfriend, and he denies all responsibility in his failed relationships, he will unfairly blame, criticize and condemn you.
- If a man is non-communicating while dating him, he will be withdrawn, tight-lipped and withholding in your relationship.
- If a man is evasive, his facts don’t match up or he exaggerates the truth to his friends or family, he will lie and deceive you.
- If a man is jealous and controlling in the beginning of a relationship, he will be super-controlling and abusive when you commit to or marry him.
Girlfriends, what part of this do we not understand? Facts don’t lie—dysfunctional men do.
Scientific research shows that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking. The left hemisphere of the brain promotes logical, analytical thinking and accuracy; while the right hemisphere embraces aesthetics, feeling, creativity and random thinking.
Let’s apply this known scientific fact to women and their relationships:
The left-brain girl is practical, perceptive, and she typically plays it safe. In her world, logic and facts rule. She is “reality based.”
The right-brain girl is influenced by her feelings. Her thinking is subjective and modified by her emotionally biased belief system. In her universe, feeling and imagination affects her sensibilities. She is “fantasy based.”
Let’s take a look at their relationships.
Lorraine is a left-brain thinker. She separates the intellectual process into “facts” and “feelings” to help her make healthy relationship decisions.
Lorraine was crazy about Gerald. He was handsome, considerate, affectionate and generous. He surprised her with bouquets of flowers and thought-out gifts. He brought wine and food to her house and he prepared scrumptious candlelit dinners for her. He maintained a nice home, he liked to travel abroad and he shared Lorraine’s love of antique shopping. The problem was, Gerald would lose his temper over small things and he would withdraw and brood for hours, and sometimes for days. Lorraine was falling in love with Gerald, but after evaluating the negative aspects of his personality, she stopped dating him because she believed that a relationship would be mercurial and ill-fated.
On the other hand, Renee, a right-brain thinker, subconsciously (or knowingly) disregarded the logical warning signs that her new boyfriend was a fly-by-night douchebag.
Naomi swooned at Kent’s full-press courtship. He texted her throughout the day. He called her every night. He sent flowers to her office and mushy cards in the mail. Naomi slept with Kent on their fourth date, and he played Naomi like an acoustic guitar with his schmaltzy talk of marriage.
Two months after Naomi began dating Kent, she began to see a drastic change in his personality. He was hotheaded, blaming and combative. He stopped calling Naomi in the daytime and he texted her infrequently. He began calling her while driving home from work, saying he had a nerve-wracking day, he was exhausted and he was going to bed early—and then she wouldn’t hear from him until the next day. He wouldn’t call her for days and he disappeared for an entire weekend.
Naomi made excuses for Kent’s untrustworthy, pernicious conduct. (Her emotions were drugged and delirious.) She asserted, “His work is demanding; it’s his business personality. He doesn't realize he's talking to me,” and, “He has commitment issues; he working through it.”
Then one night, Naomi called me, boohooing about Kent’s malicious behavior.
“We were making love,” Naomi blubbered. “I went down on him and after he had an orgasm, he rolled over in the bed and he said, ‘I don’t feel right. This is against my Christian beliefs. I don’t want to have sex with you again until we are married.’ ”
Seriously! Really! A 56-year-old man with a healthy hard-on suddenly wants to stop having sex because he suddenly develops a moral conscience?
“He’s setting it up so he can date other women!” I exclaimed. “Or he’s already dating someone else.”
Naomi accepted Kent’s terms of a no-sex relationship (believing they were going to get married) and she continued to date him. A month later Kent callously dumped Naomi to pursue other women.
Naomi could have avoided a broken heart if she had heeded the obvious facts that:
- Kent pushed her for quick involvement and he tantalized with his talk of marriage.
- He had a history of failed relationships and he skirted commitment by claiming he had “trust” issues.
- He was evasive and deceptive and he didn’t take responsibility for his hurtful behavior.
- He punished her by withholding sex, emotional intimacy and communication.
Make a note in your iPhone: Evidence + Reasoning = Reality. Not just with men, but in all of life’s situations.
Do your emotions interfere with you making sound decisions? Learn how you can increase your personal power with logic and intuition in:
God, Please Fix Me!
A Breakthrough in Self-Esteem, Relationship Understanding and Personal Healing for Women
by Nancy Nichols
Purchase the book HERE! FREE SHIPPING for a limited time! Same day shipping.
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