Whatever you worry most about in life, will filter the way you view your life. If the underlying driving force in your life is security, you may accept less than what you want and deserve in a relationship.
Emotional filters are at the core of our relationship decisions. It’s why we choose to be with some people—and not others.
If our filters are unhealthy and distorted, that is, we view our world through fear, anxiety, anger, greed, resentment, sadness, hatred, jealously and envy, our perception of a potential mate will also be distorted and flawed.
For instance: If I am fearful of rejection, I will unknowingly erect self-protecting walls that push away a man who might otherwise expressed a sincere romantic interest in me.
Faulty filters cause a woman to bond to a man whose dysfunctional behavior supports and agrees with her own defective mindset.
To illustrate: If I have codependent, low self-esteem issues, I will condone a man’s maltreatment. If I drink in excess, I will be comfortable with a man who is a high-functioning alcoholic. If I am lonely and desperate I will look for a man to complete me.
Faulty filters create illogical fear and desperation.
I had three faulty filters which influenced my beliefs.
Faulty Filter No. 1: I was supposed to be married.
Faulty Filter No. 2: I was afraid I couldn’t take care of myself financially.
Faulty Filter No. 3: I was afraid of being alone and lonely.
I grew up in an era of domestic brainwashing. I thought my job was to find a husband, have children, and live blissfully ever after with my human security blanket. I choose marriage over a career. I got married a year after I graduated from high school. A year later I was divorced with a small child, working for minimum wage as a secretary. I spent the next ten years looking for my next husband. My faulty emotional filters caused me to marry three times to the wrong men for the wrong reason.
If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.—Dr. Phil McGraw
I realized I couldn’t change my filter—my lifelong need for security—but I could change my irrational belief that I couldn’t take care of myself.
I told myself, “You’re an intelligent, capable, mature woman. You’ve taken care of yourself all your life. You have always worked, sometimes you’ve worked two jobs to make rent—but you’ve always made it. You have your own good credit, a home (sometimes with a roommate), a houseful of furniture that you purchased over the years. Your car is paid for (you did that too!).
WHY did I ever believe that I couldn’t take care of myself?
Are your filters distorted and destructive? Ask yourself:
- Are you fearful, needy and codependent?
- Are you resentful?
- Do you have a chip on your shoulder?
- Are you mistrusting?
- Are you self-serving?
- Are you naïve and blindly trusting?
“Yes,” to any of these questions indicates an unhealthy, distorted filtering system.
For more insight into faulty emotional filters that sabotage your dating efforts read the best-selling book:
Secrets of the Ultimate Husband Hunter:
How to attract Men, Enjoy Dating and Recognize the Love of Your Life
by Nancy Nichols
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