When you chase a man, you are telling yourself: You DON’T think you are worthy of his pursuit.
You’re attracted to a new guy and he seems like he is interested in you, too. But when he doesn’t call or text you (like he said he would) you convince yourself he’s shy and insecure and he’s afraid to call you and ask you out. You call him to "help him out" but he’s sounds unenthusiastic and uncommunicative and he coolly declines your invitation to meet for coffee or a cocktail.
Your heart sinks because you know you made an irreversible mistake in calling him.
Or maybe you were nervous on your first date and you’re afraid you blotched with him. You worry that you didn’t show enough interest in him, or that you talked too much or you drank too much. You agonize, should you call him to reinforce your interest in him—or should you wait for him to call you?
You succumb to your anxiety and self-doubt and you call him. You invite him over for dinner or to the movies and he blows you off. Or you haunt his favorite hangout hoping to run into him; you think if he sees you it will rekindle his interest in you, but instead you are chagrined by his aloof reception.
If you have to guess whether or not to call him … the answer is, “DON’T CALL!”
Let’s say you do get a second and even a third date with a guy. You want him to know you like him and so you do things like:
- Facebook him and make comments on his activities.
- Offer to cook dinner for him after a first date.
- Text him to stay in contact or invite him to meet for a drink.
- Call him because you heard or read something interesting or to invite him to an event.
- Keep his favorite beer or liquor on hand.
- Offer to sew a missing button on his shirt.
- Offer to pick up his mail when he goes out of town or pick him up from the airport.
- Cancel your plans with your girlfriend to go out with him.
- Give him gifts, mail him cute cards or send flowers to his home or work (yes, women do this!).
- Drop by his work or house unexpectedly to say “hello.”
Please tell me you're not secretly driving by his work or home to keep tabs on him!
Girl, get a grip on your insecurities and STOP selling yourself short! Pining for a man who doesn’t feel the same way about you sets you up for serious rejection and disappointment that rips gaping holes in your self-esteem.
If you don’t think you worth his pursuit—neither will he!
Think about it: if a new guy foams at the mouth to get a date with you by flooding you with texts, phone calls and emails, he shows up at your house unannounced, he constantly does nice things for you and he tells you he wants to take you away for weekend—there’s NO mystery. There’s NO tension. There’s NO reason to be excited about him.
If he’s not pursuing you—it means he’s not into you!
Give a guy credit. Men know they must pursue a woman if they want to win her love, affection and commitment. Men love a challenge and they love a bit of a "chase" (that intoxicating time BEFORE sexual involvement with his woman of interest).
The chase is when a man subconsciously forms his initial emotional attachment for you. But if you chase him (or you're too nice, too accommodating, too available or you have sex with him too soon), you take over his role as the suitor and he will lose his interest in you and his motivation for the chase.
Sister, it’s time to reprogram your dating computer. You ARE the SELECTOR. He IS the PURSUER.
His job is to court you, woo you, impress you and convince YOU that he is the absolute best man for you.
Your job is to be charming, receptive and appreciative of his gentlemanly efforts, while you are deciding if HE is worthy of your attention, love and commitment.
If you believe you ARE the prize, he will sense your confidence and self-worth and he will work double-time to win your favor. But don’t play coy or hard-to-get because he’ll think you’re a snob or that you’re not interested in him and he will drift away.
Related articles that will inspire you to be the woman every man wants:
Are you sick and tired of meeting a great guy and then running him off? Let me help you uncover the attitudes and behaviors that push men away. Email me for a complimentary 15-minute telephone conversation at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will set up a time for us to chat.
Read God, Please Fix Me! Trilogy
A Breakthrough in Self-Esteem, Relationship Understanding and Personal Healing for Women
by Nancy Nichols
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